Ask – The Comedy Lab

Dear Cameron,
I went to my first big party and had a good time until I started drinking beer! I’m not a drinker and totally gave in to peer pressure. Thing is – it was beer spiked with grain alcohol. I got so drunk I threw up and passed out. Sounds bad? I did the same thing the next weekend. Do I have a problem?
— Miss Drunk

Dear Miss Drunk,
No, no, no. You don’t have a problem! What you’re going through is part of the growing up process. In fact, I find getting blind drunk – to the point that you get your tongue tattooed – is just living as usual. You’re like any number of my super-cool fans out there who just enjoy having a good time and running as fast as they can from the evil demons that haunt their tragic, empty lives. Just like me!
Let me help you out, my groovy fan. Ask yourself this next time you have a little too much to drink: “Was I so drunk that I hitched a ride on the back of a flatbed truck all the way to Tijuana, so a back-alley butcher could remove my kidney and pay me for it with a dirty boot stuffed full of uncut crystal meth?”

If your answer is “no,” then don’t worry. You’re not a drunk! Granted, the crank was sweet enough that I didn’t notice the gangrene until a week later. I mean, it was good, teeth-grinding fun and I don’t regret a second of it – except for maybe the loss of blood and the fact that I don’t really pee right anymore. But my point is, until you’ve gotten to that point, you’re A-OK!

Past Advice

6/1/2001


	Dear Cameron,
	I went to my first big party and had a good time until I started drinking beer! I’m not a drinker and totally gave in to peer pressure. Thing is – it was beer spiked with grain alcohol. I got so drunk I threw up and passed out. Sounds bad? I did the same thing the next weekend. Do I have a problem?
	— Miss Drunk

	Dear Miss Drunk,
	No, no, no. You don’t have a problem! What you’re going through is part of the growing up process. In fact, I find getting blind drunk – to the point that you get your tongue tattooed – is just living as usual. You’re like any number of my super-cool fans out there who just enjoy having a good time and running as fast as they can from the evil demons that haunt their tragic, empty lives. Just like me!Let me help you out, my groovy fan. Ask yourself this next time you have a little too much to drink: “Was I so drunk that I hitched a ride on the back of a flatbed truck all the way to Tijuana, so a back-alley butcher could remove my kidney and pay me for it with a dirty boot stuffed full of uncut crystal meth?” If your answer is “no,” then don’t worry. You’re not a drunk! Granted, the crank was sweet enough that I didn’t notice the gangrene until a week later. I mean, it was good, teeth-grinding fun and I don’t regret a second of it – except for maybe the loss of blood and the fact that I don’t really pee right anymore. But my point is, until you’ve gotten to that point, you’re A-OK!


5/25/2001


	Dear Cameron,
	All the kids at school make fun of me. My mother says I should just be myself – but I want to be popular! Should I be myself or try and fit in?
	— Help

	Dear Help,
	Ask yourself this: who knows more about popularity, your mother or a superstar celebrity? Because that’s me! A superstar celebrity! That’s lesson number one: you have to be your own biggest fan. And I am. I scrunch up my face and give myself awesome cheers all the time! Sometimes it’s hard though, and I weep with such despair that I choke on my own sputum. But you know what? That’s the price the popular must pay.Now, being yourself is just fine – especially if you want to be an accountant, or a cashier, or some penniless nobody. But if you want to be popular and liked by everyone all the time, be invited to parties, and date the prettiest people, well you’ll just have to conform as fast and as hard as you can. Kiss ass! Wear exactly what the popular kids wear! Follow them home, do their homework, and steal from your Daddy’s liquor cabinet if you have to. Sometimes the only way to open a door is to kick it in. Trust me on this. You might stare into the mirror and not know who’s staring back. That might make you keep sniffing lots of angel dust (that makes you think you can tear your face off and see if you can even barely recognize your skull anymore). But you’ll get over it and pretty soon, you’ll be the toast of the cafeteria!


5/18/2001


	Dear Cameron,
	I’m a huge, huge, HUGE fan! My mom and I use to watch “Meet The Shermans” all the time!!! You were sooooo funny, Cameron. Anyway, I know this isn’t advice, but what’s your most embarrassing moment? It’s for my scrap book!
	— Mega-Fan

	Dear Mega-Fan,
	Oh, like wow! You remember me? I mean, of course you do! Hundreds of thousands of people all over the world remember me and are members of my fanclub. I assume you’re a member? My staff handles so many applications every day that I can’t read every single one. But I DO sign each fan club acceptance with a tasteful, non-gender- specific lip-gloss kiss! Did you receive yours? Is Mega-Fan your first name or last?By the way – and this goes out to all of my special friends out there – I’m currently doing bumpin’ fresh birthday parties. And members of my fan club get a special discount! I’ll arrive and deliver my snappy, Emmy Award-winning catchphrase: “Hey! Hey! Whaddya Say!” three times, hand out shrinky-dinks of yours truly, and even spoon out servings of a Carvel “Fudgie the Whale” ice cream cake! To answer your question, Mega-Fan, my most embar- rassing AND HILARIOUS moment was the one time I was getting the shakes on account of I had to give up the meth because my hair was falling out, and I ate a chili burger and puked all over Margaret Thatcher during a State Department Party where I was a caterer. This was after “Meet The Shermans” was cancelled and ol’ sourpuss Maggie’s niece recognized me and cried until I was escorted off the premises. HAHAHAHAHAHAH. Boy. That was a time.


5/11/2001


	Dear Cameron,
	I know who you are! I don’t know if you remember me, but I know you remember the dumpster behind the Las Vegas Red Lobster back in ’93. How are you?
	— Old Fling

	Dear Old Fling,
	Uhhh… hi! Of course I remember you! I know that Red Lobster well. The shrimp scampi is to die for! I’m glad you remember me, though. Because I sure as golly remember you — even though I was a little tweaked out on all that crazy, cheap crank for most of the early nineties.You’re that girl who meant so much to me… that one night… so long ago. Honestly, I’ve passed out behind many a dumpster with so many fans… but you’re very special. The most specialest! Have you joined my fan club? I think you should; we need a Treasurer. So… how are you? Is everything well? How is that friend of yours? Are you over that thing? I’m just great! I’ve been performing (you know how I love show business, right!?!) as the karaoke host at the Golden Goose strip club by LAX. It’s just a gig in-between pilots. You know what I’m talking about… you work in entertainment. Don’t you? Or are you a bartender? I forget. Take care, special lady!


5/4/2001


	Dear Cameron,
	Hey! I’m getting older in a month. What kind of tips do you have to keep me younger?
	— Almost Old

	Dear Almost Old,
	First of all, remember that growing old is a state of mind. You are, after all, only as old as you think you are. I practice a special kind of meditation to keep me feeling like a spry, charming, pre-teen mischief-maker! After a half-hour of quiet Tai Chi, I stand in front of my mirror and stare at myself. And using very complicated visualization techniques, I imagine my disgusting, wrinkled old skin peeling off to reveal fresh, pink, youthful flesh!But for those of you who are really serious about staying youthful, I think the best way is radical plastic surgery. Nip, snip, slice, slice… you too can be super smooth and bouncy! It’s simply the best way to take years away without all the effort. Sure I meditate, and rub mysterious salves into every crevice of my decaying body — but nothing makes you feel like a kid more than a good, healthy jolt of reconstructive surgery. That’s how I do it — and look at me! How old do you think I am? 17? 20? Well, let’s just say I’m old enough to see a naughty movie, but young enough to giggle while watching it! Tee-hee!


4/27/2001


	Dear Cameron,
	Man, why are you so fat? Like go on a diet and exercise okay? How you gonna get on TV looking like that?
	— Brickhouse

	Dear Brickhouse,
	After I read your painfully honest e-mail, I wept for over an hour. I sobbed and sobbed and then gave myself a long look in the mirror! Well, before I did that, I ordered a pizza and drank half a fifth of peach schnapps. But after that, let me tell you, I wrestled with some pretty ugly demons – and I made a few decisions.And that’s why I want to thank you, Brickhouse. Thank you, thank you, thank you for the hateful and demeaning e-mail. I know you were just being honest. I am fat! In fact, I’m not a man so much as I am a disgusting, bloated, sweaty man-pig with a big snotty snout and chubby little hooves. And when I talk, I slobber and squeal real loud like the repulsive porcine abortion I am. But because of you Brickhouse – a fan who cares – I’m going to take charge of my life! Starting today, I’m going to stop my daily diet of chocolate bars, pork ribs, grape soda, and jelly donuts. I’m going to start abusing my thigh master and forge myself into a new man. This is exciting! I’m going to work out and get a tight, hard-muscled body and star in one of those awesome USA Network action movies like “NASCAR Vigilante”! I don’t know what I’d do without you dear, dear fans of mine. Thank you!!!


4/20/2001


	Dear Cameron,
	I’m moving to LA in a couple of weeks and wanted to know if you had any survival tips for Hollywood. Thanks!
	— Super Star

	Dear Super Star,
	Congratulations on the “Big Move”! Hollywood is such a special place where dreams really do come true!My first tip for new Los Angelinos is to scope out the clubs for a Sugar Daddy. What’s a Sugar Daddy? Why he (or she! after all, it is the new millenium, tee hee!) is a super nice guy who pays your way in Hollywood while you pound the pavement looking for stardom. You can tell who they are because they’re always surrounded by talented “bitches,” and they’re always wearing lots and lots of gold. Some really like leopard skin, and usually they wear big sunglasses. They might make you do things for money — like dance naked in a cage, or carry “talcum powder” in a funny balloon in your belly. But mostly, they just want to be your personal cheerleader! I highly recommend one. Fortunately for you, I’m looking for a new Sugar Daddy myself. Maybe once you get here, we could go out together and tag-team guys in BMW convertibles! What do you think? If you’re interested, drop me a line, babe!


4/13/2001


	Dear Cameron,
	It’s my anniversary with my girlfriend (1 year!) and I want it to be really special. What do you think I should do?
	— Lucky In Love

	Dear Lucky In Love,
	Wow, man. I envy you, even though I’m a big-time celebrity, and you’re just a nobody little fan. It sounds like you have a super groovy kind of love, and that’s really special and beautiful and gets me all weepy. The last time I was in love… well let’s just say she kept the trailer and I kept the miniature rotisserie. And the time before that was when I was married to my mom — my TV mom — and THAT was a disaster. But I carry on and in the words of my real mom, “You can’t hurry love. No you just have to wait. You know love don’t come easy, it’s a game of give and take.” She was such a far-out poet.I suggest taking your girlfriend somewhere fancy — like Beefsteak Charlie’s! Set a time, and tell her to wait for you at a table. Then, when she’s waited a little bit and is worrying where you are, surprise her by leaping in to the restaurant carrying a giant boom box blaring “The Time Of My Life.” Then jump up on the buffet, shake your booty, and get all the stuffed shirts to stand up and boogie like there’s no tomorrow! Also: don’t forget to wear a black tank top and put a little goop in your hair. Boy oh boy — will she ever be like Silly Putty in your sticky fingers!


4/6/2001


	Dear Cameron,
	Hi! It’s my first time on this website!!! I just wanted to ask you — how did you get on TV??? How did u get famous???
	— Fiona

	Dear Fiona,
	It’s so nice to get fan letter, even if you don’t know who I am! I can’t expect today’s youth to be sent into a lather at the mention of my name, but back in the day, I tell you, Phew! Wow! In the day, I was the hunky dreamy poster boy! Girls would throw things at me when I cruised by in my limo — bras, gush notes, bricks. It was swell.My earliest memory as a child-performer was when I’d accompany my mother (my real mother, not my TV mother) on her AVON sales calls. I was her live test dummy and I’d have to stand real still, and smile, and act like a girl while mom painted me up in all kinds of pretty mascaras and lipsticks! On one of these sales calls, my mom met the wife of big time TV producer Louie Sparkles. And to make a long, long, bitter story short, my mom and Uncle Louie got married in Las Vegas and I got to be the star of the hit TV show “Meet The Shermans” and America loved me! In fact, most of America still does love me. Don’t you???


3/30/2001


	Dear Cameron,
	Are you gay?
	— Deputy Dawg

	Dear Deputy Dawg,
	It depends what you mean! Thanks to all the special, magical pills they give out at Betty Ford’s, I have successfully defeated almost two decades of brain-sizzling drug abuse and suicidal depression. So I’m wildly gay and happy! Just tickled to be alive and ready for my comeback-comeback-breakthrough! It’ll come any day now – my agent tells me a resurgence in Cameron Cody interest is inevitable! He says that if Justin Bateman can get a TV show, so can I – because I’m just as consistently mediocre as him! Yay! I’m happy!But I don’t think that’s what you meant, was it Deputy Dawg? You kids today. What a silly little prankster you are! No, I’m not gay. Except when I was living on the street and begging for coke. Or that one really weird Bob Guiccione party where the punch was spiked with acid and I was led into the “tickle tub” with Iggy Pop. What a night! Who would of thought that punk rock sourpuss has such soft, smooth skin?


3/23/2001


	Dear Cameron,
	What the hell is your problem? I mean, that little hat and all? Come on! And that smile? What the hell is up with that? I just want you to know that I hate you, and I hope that you die!
	— Somebody

	Dear Somebody,
	Gee man, you’re giving off some seriously negative vibes! You better watch that karma, friend, or else. I should know. One time back in ’83, I was hanging out in a Hollywood Denny’s when who should walk in but Florence Henderson, star of The Brady Bunch. I was freaking out on crystal meth pretty bad, and I started screaming, “Screw off, you old bat!” Well let’s just say karma pinched me in the old behind, because the very next day I was thrown out of SAG and Marvel comics stopped printing its special one-shot issue “Thor and Cameron Cody vs. Crack Cocaine!”Besides – how can you say you hate me? I was “America’s Sweetheart” back during the 1978 January sweeps. That was when my TV movie “The Square Prince and the Funky Pauper” mini-series ran on NBC. I played both roles and it was almost as big a hit as my TV show “Meet The Shermans.” Do you remember? Huh? You remember right? Anyway, all I’m asking is that you think before you speak. I don’t like to throw my celebrity around, but I realize I’m a role model, so you should listen to me. I promise I’m not mad, but grow up a little, okay? And keep writing in, okay? Your letters reaffirm my will to survive!


3/16/2001


	Dear Cameron,
	What’s the best advice you have for someone who wants to be an actor?
	— Future Super Star

	Dear Future Super Star,
	So you want to study “The Craft” huh? Good for you! Acting is the best job in the world! I started acting when I was two (I was the spokeschild for Philip Morris and Gerber’s Choco-bacco Mash baby food), and ever since then, it’s been nothing but lights, camera, action, action, ACTION! But don’t worry – my incredible stardom hasn’t really changed me. I’m just an average Joe who had an average childhood in an average Malibu home with an average bevy of manservants.But enough about me. Being an actor, although a wicked cool way to spend your life, is still tough work. There’s hot lights, screaming fans, and advanced cystic acne from all the make-up, and sometimes craft services is just dreadful. But thems the ropes kids! That’s what Lance Wyoming, star of everyone’s favorite “Spittoon Caravan” used to tell me in rehab. Oh, we had such great times, sniffing that industrial grade Ajax in the little storage room with the slop sink. But then Lance had to go and die from liver failure! And then there was no one who would sniff Ajax with me, and I got so sad and lonely, I knocked myself out by banging my head on the cold, unyielding rim of my private bath’s bidet. I still have the scar too. Wanna see it?


3/9/2001


	Dear Cameron,
	Lately I’ve had this feeling that whenever I look at your picture on here I get these feelings for you Cameron. They’re strange to me. I’ve never had them before. I really like your hat. Can you tell me where to get one? I just wanted to get all those emotions I have for you out of my system. Thank you very much.
	— Anonymous

	Dear Anonymous,
	Don’t worry “Anonymous”, I think I know what you’re saying. During the peak of the success of Meet the Shermans I’d get tens of dozens of letters like yours every month. This is a little infatuation… you shouldn’t be nervous. Really. Once, I had a super-crush on Family Ties star Tina Yothers. I’d write her gush notes and send her mink stoles and stand in her driveway. I thought she was far out and I kept calling her, her manager, her agent, and trainer. But all I ended up with was a restraining order. I ended up setting my love free and I felt better for it. My point is, what we have is just fantasy. But you can keep writing. I’d love that. Maybe you can get some of your friends? That would be awful special of you – just some fan letters.My hat was a gift from Angus Young, lead guitarist for AC/DC! I sold him a couple grams of blow and he was so happy it wasn’t cut with Vitamin B he gave me his hat before security removed me! It was wicked cool! So now I wear it all the time. I haven’t talked to Angus since then – it’s been about, oh seventeen years. He doesn’t return calls, so I guess he’s on the road. But boy, it was fun!


3/2/2001


	Dear Cameron,
	I have known this girl Rachel for 2 years, we had been good friends and at a dance I got the courage to ask her out. She of course said yes, and we went out for a week. Well she has a jealousy problem and her ex-boyfriend (who is my best friend) pretended to have a new girlfriend (who was Rachel’s best friend who moved). Rachel was so jealous she broke up with me on Valentine’s Day hoping her ex would go out with her, I guess, or something like that. I was pissed but I thought to take it like a man and go out with every friend she has and shove it up her nose. But I’m not sure and I need your advice, what should I do?
	— Adi

	Dear Adi,
	First of all, don’t be petty and try to date her friends – that’s just plain mean! Instead, listen to my comeback hit single “Love Is An Ointment That Soothes The World’s Hurt” that I recorded with Sheena Easton back in the early eighties. If you don’t remember, try looking for it on the Nap Star you kids dig so much! I’d really, really like it if someone tried to find it… I don’t care if you listen to it for free!Anyway, now that you’re not going to go off and spread super bad karma, might I suggest you re-watch my first, almost break-through movie “Captain Breakdance”, where I played a ship’s steward on a fancy ocean liner who falls in love with a debutante rich girl. In the movie, the only way I could show her how much I loved her was to don leg warmers and head band and breakdance my heart out. Her family and friends didn’t approve of our love, but a surprise last act dance-off changed all of their minds… and special guest stars Air Supply supplied the rocking tunes! It was all super neat-o!


2/23/2001


	Dear Cameron,
	Lately people have not been treating me very nice. I mean I will tell them secrets and then they will go and tell people I did not want them to tell. I don’t know what to do because I do not know who my true friends are and who aren’t. Cameron, what should I do?
	— Brittany

	Dear Brittany,
	I think I know how you feel, Brittany. I starred in an after-school-special once where I played a teenage mulatto hunchback with cerebral palsy. In the special, I won over the mean kids by saving the head cheerleader from a horrible marijuana addiction. But on the set, all the unionized crewmembers hated me! Sure, I burned down the set while freebasing — but it wasn’t my fault! It was my TV Mom, Sally Pawson (you probably remember her as Alice Sherman) who cooked the blow wrong. Afterwards, in an effort to make up, I bought all the crew guys Cameron Cody plushy dolls and even passed out friendship bracelets and everything. So why did they still hate me??? I gave and I gave and my assistant gave and so did my masseuse — but none of them ever became my friends.So anyway Brittany, as you get older, you have to learn lessons you might not want to. Basically — don’t trust anyone. I learned that lesson after my third manager drugged me and sold my celebrity seed to pay off Lotto debts. It’s a tough lesson to learn. But once you do, everything becomes okey-dokey. Okey-dokey Brittany?